This was prepared by friends and fans. The last one is by Keola.
"On da guys left leg stay one big tatoo of one Great White."
"When small kid time, he was fishing wid da grandfada and almost lost at sea off Miloli'i. Da ama of da canoe when broke, and no can get home. The grandfada when feed da shark all the time from when small. He when call da shark, the shark come unda da canoe and when push um forward to the coast, whea one canoe from shore when come for help. In both canoes, everybody stay scared and shaking. Da big shark, he give one kick and was gone. Da Mano (shark) stay da family aumakua (gaurdian spirit)."
"When Keola was about 12 years old, he was playing ukulele for his mother
as she was entertaining a group of mainland visitors poolside at the old Kona Inn
Hotel. The tourists were drinking and very noisy. Nona (Keolas Mom) was getting
angry. As she chanted into the wind, her voice grew louder and louder. Keola turned
to me and said, "ooh ooh ...mom is getting really mad.." As Nona raised her voice
toward the direction of the sea, a tremendous wave came up over the lava and decimated
the pool area. The tourists were thrown on to the hard concrete and some were even
swept into the pool. Pool chairs, buffet tables and glassware were strewn everywhere.
Except for the sobbing of some of the women, the tour group got really, really quiet.
Nona took Keola by the hand and walked away. I dont thin k Nona ever went back there
again. "
"He paints. Oils. He makes a huge mess and gets the paints everywhere. He doesn't seem to know that he's a lousy painter, so he lights up a cigar and admires his work! The whole place stinks .... incredible! I'm glad I left that dork."
"... he dont come around here no more, I think he quit drinking"
"...has a pilot's liscence. Flies a Piper Cherokee, Single engine- Land. He's a real crappy pilot. You might want to wear a bathing suit if you ever fly with that guy."
"... refuses to use any products that are tested on animals. He really, really loves animals of all kinds, he's kind of a nut about it."
"an idiot savant minus the savant"
"His hair is so long now, its almost down to his ass. He looks like that Japanese Cult Leader .. that blind guy Shoku Asahara. He's going to Japan to play. If he puts on a saffron robe, they'll probably throw him in jail.."
"KB, his dog and I had hiked for about six days down the coast of the Big Island starting at Punalu'u on the Kings trail. We were good friends and experienced hikers so we carried only light suppies and mostly fished for food and drank water from the cool, brackish springs. We spent most of our days exploring the lava tubes and caves we came accross. One night we camped in an old fisherman's stone hut. We were tired from hiking all day, so we ate and then crashed out early. In the dead of that night, I began to hear the terrifying crunch of footsteps - pounding toward us, on the broken a'a lava field. I was really never so afraid in my entire life, as they just kept coming, closer and closer, those countless footsteps getting louder and louder. My logical mind was screaming that this was impossible, there was not a soul around for miles... was I having some kind of mental breakdown? The brackish water? Some kind of sunstroke? Yet still the footsteps advanced and each moment became louder and more intensely frightening then the one before. KB whispered in a voice cracking and dry, "don't look up, don't move, and don't scream". Time seemed somehow distorted as they trampled by endlessly, mere inches from the opening of the enclosure. Even afte r the ghost brigade had passed, I lay face down, with my heart pounding, my mouth parched and trembling. I really and truly thought that we were going to die. (And I could not understand why the damn dog hadn't even made a sound.) KB told me later that Hawaiians call them "huaka'i po"- the night marchers. They were the spirits of dead warriors perhaps fallen in some battlefield near to our camp. These restless souls knew no peace as they marched off again and again to some strange and deadly unfinishe d battle. He said that he had been told as a boy, that had we looked directly at them, they would have stopped only to kill us and then would have continued on their way.
Years later now, whenever I hear the crunch of footsteps on a gravel path, I am taken by the memory of that night. My hands get clammy and I feel a major chill on the back of my neck. The brief flicker of insanity flies across my mind like some wreched bird. And I am once again on the lava field in that dark, hopeless night. Pressing my face into the black void of my sleeping bag, I can hear them as they begin to advance. The rough lava crackles underneath their feet. And with each ghostly step, they are coming closer and closer. "
Keola bought a brand new car a few years ago and wrecked it immediately after he drove it off the lot. No one was hurt. Length of ownership... 3 minutes.
QVC - The Home Shopping Channel
"so we take bruddah up to Philladelphia to appear on QVC's home shopping channel. He's jet-laged, his hair is messy and he is really looking kind of funky as it is 6:30 in the morning on the East Coast (a six hour time difference from Hawaii). He's stumb ling around the green room trying to get a cup of coffee and making ass. The QVC folks are really, really nice. He gets his coffee and they send him in to a different room to get made-up for television. He sits in front of the mirror, the make-up lady comes in, takes one look at him and busts out laughing. She comes in a minute later with a friend and they look at him and both bust out laughing. Bruddah is sitting there in the chair dribbling coffee on his shirt and wondering why these women are laug hing at him. He is thinking .. "man I must look bad.. .maybe they're going to give me some kind of estimate or something..." He looks at me with this pitiful look on his face...
QVC Makeup Lady: They told us you were a "man of color."
KB: I am a man of color.
QVC Makeup Lady: well sir, not really - I think ... well, that we've got the wrong makeup for you.
KB: huh? mmm.. you mean theres different stuff for brown people and black people? cuz I sort of consider myself a man of color.
QVC Makeup Lady: ha ha - let's just say that you are not enough color as we've got color for..
KB uhh ...... well, I can hope cant I?
We were all laughing so hard - it was all I could do to push him out the door so he could do the show."
In August of 1995, the Beamer family adopted (Hawaiians' call it - hanai) a young man. The private ceremony was in the lush valley of Waipi'o on the Island of Hawai'i, attended by about 25 close friends of the family. Keola's new brother is twenty - six years old, handsome, speaks fluent Hawaiian and was born and raised in England. They all love him very much. After the ceremony Keola & I sat out on a rock and gazed up at the beautiful waterfall called "Hi'ilawe". In this fabulous setting, as he observed his new brother swimming in a pond, Keola leaned over to me and whispered, "he's smarter than I am and better looking. If he starts to play the guitar, I'm going to have to kill him".
How I Met My Wife - by Keola Beamer
Ambiguity.....
I first spotted her strolling on the beach at Nawiliwili. A tall barefoot silhouette, waist length hair and gossamer skirts, a graceful dance through the waves at sunset. We were docked in the harbor for the evening.
Midnight in the ballroom. Elegant. Dramatic chignon....basic black, pearls, satin shoes, silken shawl. The tall brunette on the dance floor seems vaguely familiar. She begins too move. Even in the stiff and formal embrace of the Captain, I recognize my dancing sunset silhouette. It's her all right, same seductive grace, same swirl of gossamer skirts.
I had to cut in.
We talked, late into the evening...It was easy. She was "Podagee", she said, "Among other things." Born on this very island. Scholarship, Ivy League College, job offer she couldn't refuse, unbelievably deep longing to come home. She threw a couple of things into a small bag, here she was.
I waited for her at the gang plank. She turned up in a Kapa'a High School sweatshirt, "Rubbah Slippahs" and that lovely Black Skirt....stunning. I had to ask.
She smiled. Easy pack, easy wear, easy care and infinite style, "Plus", she said, "No show da dirt". Next question?
We were off to some place called "Hamuras" for barbecue meat and saimin.
more strange, funny and weird stuff to come..